APRIL 19, 1996 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

13

OPEN ROADS

Listen to the parents of people with AIDS

by Thom Sommers

In previous columns I have written about the importance of speaking out and sharing feelings. The only way to educate effectively is one person at a time; unfortunately, we do not have that much time.

been a part of the caretaking process.

I asked Jane and Ernest to explain to me their experience as parents, middle-aged parents, watching as their 29-year-old son slipped away from their hands and how he remains, today, in their hearts. As we sat and talked, they told stories of Scott and how he feared people would pull out his tubes when he went out. The pain Jane felt each time she heard her son say, "But Mom, you just don't understand." She tells me, "those are haunting words... haunting words."

LIFE · AIDS LOVE

Last year, while speaking with a panel of others infected and affected by HIV/AIDS I became acquainted with a proud father and a loving, nurturing mother, Ernest and Jane. You see, their son passed away in June, 1994. At the time I met Jane and Ernest, their experience seemed so new, so fresh remember that first me well Ernest sat quiet, yet his face spoke a thousand words to me that day and Jane. explained the fear, the struggle. the pain, the anger, and the sadness her Family felt over the death of her 29-year-old son. Scott.

she

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| OPEN ROADS

One year later, Jane and Ernest were sitting with me in a small neighborhood diner in Scott's old stomping grounds. Sipping coffee as our cold eggs grew colder, we discussed with one another how AIDS changed our lives. Scott lived with his partner (Jane doesn't like the word lover), Frank, for eight years. As Scott and Frank became increasingly ill, they were never alone. Jane and Ernest cared for Frank until the very end of his life, pinning the diapers, restraining his hands, even clipping his toenails.

Ernest remembered going over to Scott and Frank's house to help fix the car and repair the faucets, Jane remembers so much, every detail. She told a story: Frank was suffering from dementia, his legs aching, his reality clouded, he called out over and over, "Just call Ernest, he'll fix my legs, please, just call Ernest." After Frank's death in 1992, Scott moved home with his parents.

Jane and Ernest are very proud of their son. A lot of hard times, but fortunately enough, even more good ones. There were times that Scott and his parents rarely spoke, time where they just did not see eye to eye. Those times eventually passed. Jane told me, with tears welling in the corners of her eyes, that she is so grateful for having been a part of Scott's illness. She comments about the feelings of inadequacy she fears she may have experienced had she and Ernest not

While Jane and Ernest talked to me about their feelings, their marriage, their other children, their grandchildren. and their future, several emotions were very apparent to me, the deep sadness they have for AIDS, and all the innocent lives it has claimed, the extraordinary commitment to one another, and the absolute uncondtional love for their children: all their children.

The battle against complacency is one often speaks of. I asked them why they continue to speak out, now that their son's battle is over. I was curious ! to know what motivates them to continue. Their voices softened as they explained that "This is not going away, people have got to face it. Everyone needs to know it only takes one time."

As I talked about the recent numbers released by the Centers for Disease Control revealing the rate of infections among teenagers in our country, they responded, "We can not be afraid to address it, someone needs to talk to parents. Perhaps the only way to make an impact is to take teens and parents to the hospital, see how it destroys the body, let them see the wasting, the. pain." Jane continued, "The parents are often forgotten in all of this. This was my baby; I watched as my baby died. It is a crusade for tolerance of people."

Although Jane and Ernest are not Catholic, Jane told me about a priest she enjoys listening to. "He gave a sermon about the look on people's faces when dying from complications of AIDS, and how it resembles that of the face of Jesus...scomed, saddened, tired, while at the same time all living, forgiving, and peaceful. I found the comparison heartwarming."

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